Voice from within

Cory asked me to post this for you guys. He's finding solace in writing it seems and I LOVE IT!! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers! He's in there - and here's proof!
I wanted to give everyone a little glimpse of what it's like for me over here in Afghanistan. Everyone's individual situation is different and I am no more important than the next soldier who's in a different area than me getting shot at every day, But we all have our different roles.I spent the first couple of months getting shot at almost daily. I had literally spent every day wondering if it was going to be my last. I was sleeping in a flea-infested cave carved out of the side of the mountain, and the enemy was both everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I slept about two to three hours at a time and spent every minute that I had awake either swatting flies, chasing rats, or having my ear glued to the radio. Frequently our day of just 'sitting there' was interrupted by gunfire and the sounds of mortar rounds going off. You could never tell where they were coming from unless they were right in front of you. The enemy would hide in the village about three hundred meters away from our location, blending in perfectly with civilians. There is no way to describe how fast your heart rate elevates and how time seems to slow down to a trickle when you come into contact with enemy fire. Some love it- or act like they do- for me it was horrible. Having to set up an area in our cave, completely dark- to deal with any casualties we might incur.
Fortunately for me there were only minor injuries during my time in the Valley.On my first day out there, apparently I slept straight through a complex attack. I woke up and walked out of the aid station and there was a crater in the ground five feet away from the aid station front door- Barely missed by a mortar round. It became too intense for me to handle mentally, so I was rotated out to go to the Aid Station at a more built-up location. I spent a few months there treating thousands of local civilians- mostly children- with various injuries ranging from boils to horrible wounds sustained in combat crossfire. The ones that stand out the most are the children. Females are not particularly celebrated here in this country, and are frequently abused- most often by burning- these little kids for doing anything their caregivers seem wrong. One was burned so badly that over 80% of her body was covered in second and third degree burns. Even when we gave her Ketamine- An extremely strong sedative- I could still hear her crying in her sleep and watching her shake. A few feet away was her 'caregiver'.. the one who burned her. Every time I walked into the room I thought about shooting him or slitting his throat, but obviously I couldn't.
I come home on Leave in September and I had a blast with my family. The worst part of leave for any soldier is realizing that it shall too pass- and right back on a plane to a combat zone you will go. I injured my shoulder severely and thought I was going to be having surgery and was put on some hardcore pain pills and was shocked to find that I would have to go back in lieu of surgery. This shock happened at the last minute, and ruined my goodbyes with my family because it was so abrupt.I did get moved to where I am now because of my shoulder- I can't really pick anyone up in an emergency by myself anymore, so I am now dispatching medical helicopters to pick up the sick and wounded.
In response to me being moved, the majority of my friends I have made since I have been in the Army- Even the unit- turned their back on me. I would have never expected some of them to do that, but it is a part of human nature to backstab- even a little. The good thing is I've made new friends rather quickly here, and for the most part it is going well.
The base I'm at now is incredibly quiet, minus the constant noise of Jets and Helicopters taking off. The only problem I have is with a certain individual who is high ranking. The guy gets off by being a bully, especially to me- because I have so much "history" with my old unit where he came from as well.. and usually resorts to talking to me like I'm worse than a dog in front of the entire battle staff that I work with every day here. I guess he's still sore for the fact that I wrote the white house.. I put the unit under a congressional hearing before we deployed because I did not feel that our medics were quite ready to be deployed. As a Paramedic with almost 9 years experience, I know failures when I see one. It wasn't that I was being a direct A-Hole to the people I work with.. My job is to SAVE and CONSERVE lives, so I was thinking about every single grunt with a weapon I've ever met, in case they were severely injured. Most of my days are good.. Boring (which is a good thing... I don't want to medevac our people) but I have to deal with that guy. My dilemma is trying not to let my hate completely consume me and lash out, and do something I regret. I pray every day that God will curb my temper with some people.
I live in a little building called a "B-Hut" now. Most of the time I get very little sleep in those things because I am mixed with both day and night shift workers (I work straight 3rd here) and some people are very inconsiderate. I've been moved more than 4 times since I've been here which is a strain because I have more stuff than the average soldier here, stuff that's quite heavy, and requires more than several fetchings of the stuff.
I know the usual thought about soldiers who return to the US might have "PTSD" or be a completely different person. I am still the same Cory Trotter that alot of you know and some have met. Death has been a part of my life since I got into EMS so this is not something that is going to effect me. The only difference from being in the civilian world and being deployed over here is the massive amount of pressure I'm under, from making the right decisions on my job that could effect whoever I medevac out- Or having to deal with people I would tag with extremely colorful references. Once I return home I will deal with people again that are alot closer to normal. This is abnormal.
I'm not saying that everything will be just like it was before I left- The girls have gotten a year older and I have missed out on almost all of the major milestones of my son, that I can never get back. My wife has held down fort living room well, and my family and in-laws have done a tremendous job helping back home while I've been away. I'm sure I'm going to be sleeping different for awhile, very cautious of people I don't know for awhile, and probably be over-defensive of my family. I am around sixteen weeks or less of finally being done here and I am probably more nervous than my family of my return.
I promise however that I will slowly ease back into being a husband and a father, a friend, and a healthcare worker because many people depend on me. I will not fail my family. The Army may have had a claim on my head for a long time now, but in August when my time is up they can have me no longer.
If you have a family member serving that is due to return soon, I wish you all the best. One thing that is going to help me is that I am very open with my wife and there is nothing that I won't tell her... no matter how bad it may be. Being open is the key to the liberation of your soul. Hold back, and you will always be wearing virtual chains. Not only will I talk to my wife, I will talk to a pastor. I will talk to a psychiatrist. I will get this all out and get it past me.
I just wanted to share a glimpse of how it's been for me over here. It's almost over, thank god, and I am healthy minus a stomach virus I have now. Thank you for all the prayers and support, they have definately helped. But I am still me- I am not a 'caged animal', nor am I a warped version of me- I'm still the same 'ol me. Uncle Sam can't change me. Viva La Revolution.
Have anyone thinking about the military? Have them give total control of their life to a complete stranger for about 9 weeks. See how they like it.I will see you soon-
SPC(P) Cory M. Trotter MIL USA FORSCOM
3/1 HHC BDE
Medical Operations Specialist
Communications