Serenity

My sister in law shared some of her heart here the other day. While I hate to hear that anyone struggles with ANYTHING, especially my family, it gave me some comfort to know I'm not the only one who struggles with anxiety and worry. Unlike Annie, I am not usually a worrier. I was at one time, but for several years, I've just been a go-with-the-flow, whatever happens happens kind of girl. I think I've let go of a good bit of the "control" that I wanted to have over the world. Over the six months, my life has been plagued with anxiety. I've shared my struggle on more than one occasion. While I am sad to report that anxiety is still a major part of my life and I've had to seek medical attention for it at this time, this post is about a new "disease" I've created for myself... guilt.
As some of you know, Cory has been moved from his initial FOB to a larger,"safer" (I use that term loosely as I know he is still in a war zone) place. Let me preface the rest of this post by saying - I AM SO GRATEFUL TO GOD THAT HE SAW FIT TO PUT CORY WHERE HE IS!!! He is getting the treatment he needs for his shoulder, he is with one of our closest friends, and he is in a much larger place (which translates into safer where he is). He is doing a job that is allowing his shoulder to heal properly (at least relatively) and he seems to be with a good group of people. What more could I need, right? At least if Cory is not with me and the kids, he is with one of the only other people I trust with Cory's life - and is getting some form of treatment... Well, lately, Ive been plagued with guilt. I feel guilty that Cory is "safe" and our other good friends are in harms way daily. This guilt was magnified a million times after watching the clips I posted earlier.
You see, even though Texas was not a great place for us to be, and the Army has not been what we had hoped, we managed to make some pretty awesome friends - I would even venture to say we formed a pretty unique family (a bit disfunctional at times). So when Cory deployed in July, I felt as if I was not only sending my Husband to war, but also my brothers. One of my ways to "cope" was knowing that I had their wives to cry with, vent to and lean on. We were all in the same boat. Of course, things were shook up a bit early on, but soon they settled in, as did we, the wives. We are all in different areas of the country, in different walks in life, but we had one thing in common - our men were fighting in one of the most dangerous places on the planet. Because they were in the same area (not the same FOB, most of them) we had a way to keep track of how they were all doing. Through all the losses our unit has taken, we've found solace in knowing our men had each other to lean on.
But with Cory being removed, whether it be temporary or permanent, I feel guilty. You see, because I care about those men and their wives so much - its ripping me apart to know they are still constantly in harms way and their wives are dealing with that fear everyday. While all of my friends have been wonderful and so thankful that Cory is getting the treatment he needs, I have created a tornado of guilt - sometime's I'm at peace and feeling ok, only to find out that was just the eye of the storm and then I'm tossed into funnel cloud only to have my heart and mind ripped apart.
I hope this does not come off like I am an ungrateful, spoiled brat. I am more grateful than anyone will ever know. I can't even begin to explain the peace I have been given knowing Cory is getting what he needs. I can only thank God for that. This is his doing. And just as I am confident in that statement, I am confident that Satan is plaguing me with this guilt. There is a lot more to this, I just wanted to share a bit of what I'm struggling with this morning (and everyday for that matter). Please continue to pray for me as I take this journey. Pray that God will guard my heart and mind and will grant me peace. I never knew that this would be such a rollercoaster of emotion - even if they are emotions I'm creating for myself (which I know that is what most of this is).
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen