Hello God, Its me again!

This is what I feel like lately. So I thought I'd get you guys in on it too, I don't want him to get tired of hearing my voice - I know I sound pathetic sometimes. I'm really in need of some prayer right now - prayer for my family, for my marriage, prayer for our house situation, prayer for Cory's deployment, prayer for me - personally, prayer for our move, prayer for our finances, prayer for MY SANITY, the list could go on and on. I just feel so defeated right now and I'm trying to trust in God to take these burdens from me, but I feel so overwhelmed. I am completely broken, physically, mentally and emotionally and I don't know what to do. I just want to be able to take care of my family and provide what we need, nothing more - nothing less. I know "if its God's will" - I've heard that so many times lately I could puke. I know in my heart that's true, but what do I tell my head when I'm laying awake at night stressing about it all? Can you please help?

Are you listening?

I was reading some of my old blogs from my MySpace and came across one I wrote back in August of last year. I wanted to share it with my blogger friends who may not have read it on MySpace.

** This post was from August, so I know Oprah didn't do this show yesterday.**
Did anyone watch Oprah yesterday? I was listening to her while I was cleaning the apt. She had some celebrity women who were talking about the lessons their life taught them. So I started thinking about the lessons my short life and those in it (past and present) have taught me. I pose the question to you - Are you listening to the lessons your life is teaching you? The following are some of the lessons I have learned:
1) One of the greatest qualities a human can possess is EMOTIONAL INTEGRITY - saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
2) Follow your dreams, but keep yourself grounded.
3) True friends are the ones who are completely honest with you even when you don't want to hear it. (Amy)
4) Never regret anything. Everything in your life has shaped who you are today - wear those "pings in your golfball" proudly (Jennifer).
5) Sometimes on your way to your dreams, life happens and it is so much better. (this is a quote from a friends Myspace page, but it is so true)
6) If you had never been born, no one would have ever known. Make your mark on this world so that those around you will never forget you.
7) Sometimes to really find yourself you have to be plucked out of your comfort zone.
8) Misery loves company. Respectfully send a regret for this invite.
9) The best way to bring you to reality is spending time with your kids. You are automatically stripped of the titles and lables society has given you. You are just a mommy - perhaps the greatest title of all.
10) Its when you don't know where you are going that your life's journey really begins.
11) You will have a richer life once you let yourself be who you truly are (no matter how OCD/neurotic you are).
12) Sometimes the best way to learn a lesson is to go through it yourself.
13) Don't just learn from YOUR mistakes, learn from others as well.
14) Love yourself and you will attract those who will love you.
15) You CAN have it all. But the "it" may not be what you expected.

A couple of these lessons are taught to many people (including those celebrities on Oprah). I feel like my time here in Texas has changed me. But then I ask myself, Am I changing? I'm still the same loud mouth, easy going, want it my way, open minded person I was in SC. I'm just using this time to do some soul searching and discover what makes me , me. So is it a change or am I just becoming more true to myself? One of the celebrities posed a question yesterday that struck a cord with me - "Do I really want to be the person I am programmed to be or do I want to rewire my software?" Being raised in the Bible belt, I was raised that I should think a certain way but never really given a reason behind it. I was just supposed to do it because my parents, pastor, etc did. Those of you who know me, know that I have a hard time doing something just because. I've always felt a secret shame because I often go against what others tell me to do and think because people think that I am simply being stubborn. That's not the case. I just try not to live my life the way others want me to to simply to fit into "their" mold of what THEY think I should be or be doing! I mean no disrespect to anyone or the way they live their life. I try my hardest to judge NO ONE, as this is not our right as humans. I accept all for who they are, and where they come from. All I ask is that the same respect be given to me! What are some of the lessons your life is teaching you or has taught you lately?

Pics of pics

I don't have a scanner, but here are pictures of the pictures we had made of Reese!!! They turned out better than they look here, I promise!

What do you give the Pope for his birthday???

No, this is not the beginning of a joke. We were watching CNN earlier today - the Pope was making his way through Yonkers, NY. (As I stated earlier, I LOVE the PopeMobile - did you know it is a Mercedes?). On the bottom of the screen, they put up something about how 8 youth gave the Pope gifts for his birthday (apparently it was sometime this week). I kept watching to see if they would disclose what these youth gave him. But they never said. So I'm wondering - what do you give the Pope for his birthday?!?!?! Anybody have any ideas?

On another note, I want to give a Congrats shout out to Marie (Horne) Bracken. She is a good friend of mine from high school (most of you know her) and she got married today. She doesn't read my blog, I'm sure, but I wanted everyone to know her big news. I hate that I didn't get to be in the wedding or even attend (thanks once again Uncle Sam), but I know she was beautiful!!! She is now the loving wife to Chip, and step mother to 3 boys!!! I love you girl and wish you all the happiness in the world!!

This Army wife's biggest fear...

As I stated in an earlier blog, this is my biggest fear of Cory's deployment! I have become almost obsessed with it - reading books, articles, researching the topic and treatment as well has PRAYING. I just thought that as you guys are praying for our soldier's safety, you should also be praying for their sanity. As horrible as it sounds, I could deal with death or dismemberment of my husband better than his mind/personality changing!!!

In the news...

Staying at home with Reese, I have been afforded the opportunity to watch the news daily. I didn't have the time to do this while I was working and going to school. I LOVE the Today Show, so I never miss at least the first hour - that's usually when the "important stories" are on. So today's Thursday 13 are the stories that have truly interested me over the last week!!!

1. Somewhere in Florida, there was a poor teenage girl who was beaten up by 6 other girls for writing some mean stuff on her MySpace about them. That's not even the bad part - THEY VIDEOED it and put it on YouTube. Can we say stupid?? Beating her up was bad, but videoing it was dumb!!!
2. In El Dorado, TX (about 2 hours from here, maybe less), there was a raid on a "religious" compound. Texas CPS removed over 400 children from the polygamist camp. Today there is a hearing to determine which, if any, of the children could return to the camp where their parents are. It is my prayer that the Judge decides not to send any of them back just yet - I feel there's some more investigating that needs to be done!
3. In relation to the same story, the Today Show explored why the women of these sects dress and act the way they do - here's what they came up with: The hair is a status symbol. The community believes that the longer the woman's hair, the closer they are to God. The "old timey" dresses are worn to cover a religious shroud that the women wear; also, the colors help to tell who's with who - each family has a color; everyone wearing that color belong to that family. Now my only question is: Where's the men? They are supposed to be the "leaders" of this commune, but I've yet to see one of them defending themselves against these MAJOR allegations!!!
4. MADLIBS are celebrating their 50th birthday today!! I used to LOVE these things - I'm considering posting one here and letting you guys feel in the blanks in the comment section!!!
5. There is some chemical in plastic bottles that has been deemed "dangerous". Look on the bottom of any plastic item and locate the number in the triangle. They say the numbers 3, 5 and 7 should be used cautiously!!!
6. This Presidential campaign has become quite to war of words. I'm not sure exactly what's being said between O and C, I usually leave the room when this comes on. I just know I'm tired of hearing it!!
7. The President is making all Army deployments only 12 months long (they have been 15 months for quite some time.) This sounds great accept that it will only effect those deployed after August - Cory leaves in June!! We've been told to prepare for 18 months, but hope for 15.
8. Gas prices are absolutely ridiculous!!!! That's all I'm gonna say about that!
9. There's a woman that has posted a video on YouTube about her divorce. I think this is hilarious. She's so upset and just ranting. I think its good therapy!!!
10. This week marks the one year anniversary of the VA Tech tragedy. I think they said they had something like 30,000 people at a candlelit vigil last night!! Wow, that's a lot of people!
11. Some kid got a BUTTER KNIFE stuck in his head!!
12. The Pope is visiting the US! I would love to see the PopeMobile in person.
13. The WINNER of The Biggest Loser is a girl!! GIRL POWER!!!!!!!!

So there it is. If you've lived under a rock for the last week or so, that's all you've missed. I wanted to put links to all the stories in each comment, but I can't figure out how! Can someone help me? Happy Thursday!

And the Oscar goes to...

Samantha and Hailey were in their first play today: Little Red Riding Hood!!! It was so cute and they did such a GREAT job. I took video with my digital camera - but I can't figure out how to get it downloaded on the computer. They memorized ALL their lines and have been practicing for the last couple of weeks. Samantha was Grandma and Hailey was the Narrator!!! I'm so proud! Here are a few pictures until I can figure out how to get the video downloaded!!!



Samantha as Grandma and Hailey as the Narrator - Before their acceptance speech.
Samantha in Action
Hailey in action - see the intensity on her face
The cast!

God's Cake

I received this in my email box today and realized I really needed to read this. So I thought I should share with you guys!!! Have a great day!

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."
"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter.
"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"
To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, but He chose your heart.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well share Godʼs recipe.

Pictures

Here are some recent pics!! Sorry I haven't been the greatest at taking them. I want to say thank you who left me words of encouragement on my last post!! You'll never know how much they helped me!! I'm working it all out in my mind and feeling better everyday!! Enjoy the pics!

Kisses for Daddy!!

Reese has learned how to smile!!

He hates to wear socks; they hurt his fat legs, I guess. So I bought him some slippers to keep his cold feet warm!!

This one's for Gramps (Cory's dad). He's wearing his first Atlanta Braves shirt!!

We had a "Salute to the Heroes" festival last week. Here's the girls on the swings!!

Tattered and worn, yet sturdy

I've got a heavy heart tonight. There are several reasons why, I'm choosing not to go into them at this time. I don't know where this blog is going, so if you get lost and wanna leave, I don't blame you. For those faithful that stick with me, I appreciate it. Either way, please just pray for me as I'm "dealing".
I'll be the first to admit that I have always taken the unconvientional route of doing things in my life. I dated several people who could be labeled as "unhealthy", at best, in high school and even into college and after. I've almost always had very poor taste in men (present company excluded, honey). Some would blame their past on poor relationships with parents for their mistakes, but that's just not me. I've always taken full responsibilty for my actions. Reality is, I had a pretty good childhood. Yes, my parents divorced, but lets be honest - I don't remember my mom and dad living together. Those years for me are a hodge-podge of moments that just kind of run together. My earliest memories are of sleeping in my dad's t-shirt and watching Cops at his trailer and eating Denton Cinnamon gum. It wasn't until I was probably in late elementary school (and maybe even early middle school) that I realized that having divorced parents wasn't the norm. My mom remarried and so did my dad. I think as I went through high school, I began to notice that my relationship was a bit strained with my "real" dad. But it wasn't until I had the girls that I noticed just how "strained" it really was. (I'm not blaming the girls by any means, I'm just saying they shed some light on the subject). Again, I'm not blaming my past on this relationship. This week my heart was broken - as Annie stated in an earlier blog, my Grandfather passed away. This is not what upset me as I haven't seen my Grandparents in close to a decade, maybe more. What broke my heart is that I had to hear about it from my brother. My dad didn't call me until after I had spoken with Brian. I've always secretly longed to have the type of relationship that Brian and my dad have. Maybe its my fault; maybe I haven't tried to make it that way. I don't know. All I know is that we have a very "platonic" almost business like relationship. And I have to wonder why?!?!
Now back to the topic at hand - each person I have been close to have "scarred" my life. Some good, some bad. I realize that I didn't wait til I got married to have intercourse or have children. And I'm not gonna sit here and try to say that the girls were a "one time" slip up. They weren't, they were just the one that caught up to me. I'm not gonna go into detail about the relationship (or lack there of) with their "father"(I use that term VERY loosely) - the fact is that I was only lucky that my lifestyle had not caught up to me before then. I was diagnosed as "bipolar" at the young age of 12 and placed on medication. This is a stigma that I have worn secretly until now. I am proud to say that I have not been on medication for over a year now and am doing VERY well. I believe this was a diagnosis placed on me too early. The medication I was placed on caused me to be very deceitful to those around me and I'm sad to say that it ruined quite a few relationships. And it caused much strife in my family - and caused much embarrassment, I'm sure. For that, I am truly sorry. I think I was so caught up in "trying to find love" that I was willing to do and give almost anything. Now let me take a step back and say that I came from a VERY loving home, it was something inside of me that was missing. This "search" led me down some very rocky roads - but roads I'm proud to say I went down and survived.
I say all that to relay this - I realize that I have TRUCK loads of baggage and I have unfortunately caused some unneeded baggage for those who love me the most. But it is my hope and prayer that as those around me look back at the "shameful" past that I fully claim as MINE, they will see that I am NOT ashamed; no, I am proud: proud of where I've been, proud of where I am and proud of where I'm going. No, I do not live a convientional life - not even after all the mess I've been through. I live a life with sin (maybe more than some others) - but that does not make anyone better than me. I should not be judged by man, that privilege belongs only to God. And for those of you in my life that I have added baggage to, I apologize; but more importantly - THANK YOU for your love and support! I am like an old suitcase: my exterior is tough like leather, my interior is satin - with a few rips; I may look horrible to the naked eye, but in my Keeper's eyes, I am perfect; I've been to many places and seen a lot of trials-each making their mark, yet they don't take away my dependibility; I'm tattered and worn, yet sturdy!!

Mind numbing...

Annie tagged me and I thought I would go ahead and do this MeMe. Hopefully it will help to numb my mind from the chaos that is going on!

Answer the questions with 7 responses. . .then tag 7 people.
What I was doing 10 years ago - Spring of 1998
1. Ending my sophmore year in High School.
2. Hanging out with Marie.
3. I think I worked at Buck's Pizza.
4. Drove a Honda Civic
5. I'm sure my parents were planning some sort of vacation (that I probably didn't go on).
6. Working and going to school.
7. I had a pretty boring life.

Seven snacks I enjoy
1. Salt and Vinegar chips
2. Doughnuts
3. Snickers
4. Reese's peanut butter cups
5. Fruit
6. Crackers
7. Popcorm

Seven things I would do if I became a billionaire
1. Give big to the EMS services and fire dept that Cory and I have ties to. We would also give to Church's whose missions we believe in and that my not get that money from somewhere else.
2. Buy out Cory's Army contract and the contracts of anyone of our friends who want to get out now.
3. Invest, Invest, Invest. That way, if the money runs out, it'll keep rolling in.
4. Buy dream houses for our families (those who want one) and our closest friends. We would also build a house on our property for our parents for when they are old. As well as secure some money to pay for round the clock care!! We love our parents, but living with them in their old years may be tough!!! (We love you all).
5. Pay off all our debt along with the debt of our family members and close friends.
6. Open an assistance place for middle class single moms. Mom's who struggle and work hard, but make too much for government assistance. We would provide things like Wal-Mart gift cards, diapers and formula, have mechanics to help with car trouble, people to cut grass and do in home repairs, etc. * This was Annie's but I would definitely fund the program if we had the money and they didn't.
7. Secure a nest egg for our families/ put some away for a rainy day.

Seven of my bad habits
1. Stressing about things that are out of my hands
2. Not cleaning as much as I should.
3. Not folding laundry after it comes out of the dryer
4. Procrastinating
5. Not filling up the gas tank until the light comes on -this drives CORY crazy.
6. Not resting when I should
7. Not making the time for my husband that I should.

Seven places I have lived
1. Lyman, SC
2. Anderson,SC
3. Killeen, TX
4. Fort Hood, TX
5. Starr,SC (I've only lived four places, so I have to list Cory's as well)
6. Spartanburg, SC
7. Boiling Springs, SC

Seven jobs I’ve had
1. Pizza maker at Buck's Pizza
2. Customer Service at Sally's Beauty Supply
3. Waitress at Denny's for 1 day (then they realized I made a better hostess)
4. Behavior Therapist for an Autistic child
5. Substitute Teacher
6. EMT
7. Mommy

Seven Places you would rather be:
1. Anywhere in SC
2. With Amy
3. On an Alaskan cruise
4. In a new house
5. Eating at any Japanese establishment in the upstate.
6. Hanging out in Charleston with the Magners - I hope to do this more often once I'm back in the same time zone.
7. ANYWHERE but here.

Seven Plans you have for 2008:
1. Send my husband to war.
2. Buy our first home.
3. Move for the 3rd time in a year and a half.
4. Celebrate my birthday and anniversary and every major holiday alone.
5. Go back to work part time
6. Prepare the girls to possibly test out of 1st grade.
7. Travel and spend as much time with my family as possible.

Seven People who E-mail you regularly:
1. Amy
2. Jenn Monroe
3. Jenn Meredith
4. Brittany
5. Amanda
6. Jaime J.
7. Traci

Seven Things you think about often:
1. Where are we going to find the money to buy a home?
2. How do I explain to my children about what Daddy's about to do?
3. Making the most of everyday we have together.
4. What is Cory really in for over there?
5. How do I let go and let God take over?
6. Saying good bye is closer everyday.
7. Cory will miss so much of our lives, how can I share while he's away?

Tag:
1. Natalie
2. Kristi
3. Jaime Brown (when she gets back)
4. Stephanie Dale
5. Jesse Hill
6. Haley
7. Brian

A.A.

My name is Christan, and I'm about to have an Anxiety Attack. This whole mortgage thing has turned me into a nervous wreck. I haven't felt this anxious since I was in high school. I used to take medication for anxiety and for the first time in almost a decade, I find myself wanting to open that bottle again (the medication, not the alcohol). I hate knowing that my family's future rests in the hand of someone I do not know. I have so much to worry about with Cory's deploying, I would really like to not have to worry about where I'm going to place my family while he's away. Please pray for me as I am realizing that as each day passes, I am one day closer to sending my husband to war and one day closer to being "homeless". * I am trying to turn it all over to God, but I have such an uneasy feeling that its hard. I know HE will provide for my family, but there are too many uncertainties in my life right now and I feel like worrying about this is the straw that's going to break my back.

*please note that my parents would NEVER let us be truly homeless, but not having a house of my own constitutes as us being homeless for all intensive purposes.*

The BIG 100

I was going to do a BIG 100th post by listing 100 things about myself, but I've found that I just don't have time for that. However, Annie posted something I thought was neat; so I thought it would be a good idea to do one similar

I LIVE: in a military town
I WORK: at home - my primary MOS is MOM and secondary is WIFE!
I THINK: making a decision about dinner is harder than it should be.
I SMELL: like sweat - I've been working out!
I LISTEN: to anything but hard rock and rap.
I HIDE: my fears about deployment from my family.
I WALK: at least 3 times a week, or at least I try to. I want to lose 20 lbs before June.
I WRITE: more checks than I like to think of.
I SEE: the unseen toll of war on families.
I SING: a lot. I'm sure its not pretty!
I CAN: multitask very well
I WATCH: Big Brother and Dr. Phil religiously. If I miss it, I never fret - its on DVR!!!
I DAYDREAM: very rarely
I WANT: to be debt free - just like Annie does!!!
I CRIED: just a few minutes ago - I'm extremely frustrated.
I READ: whenever I find the time and a good book.
I LOVE: that my Husband "knows" me and still loves me.
I RODE: on an airplane with my family just a few weeks ago.
I SOMETIMES: freak out about all the unknowns in my life.
I FEAR: my husband will not be the same person on the inside when he returns from A-stan. (Is it wierd that I don't fear death or dismemberment?)
I HOPE: that my kids know how hard I try to make a good life for them everyday.
I EAT: way too much at meals - I'm trying to cut back.
I DRINK: too many carbonated drinks.
I PLAY: with my little Reese all day - its great!
I MISS: SC, my family, my friends and good Japanese food.
I FORGIVE: easily, but sometimes I don't forget as easily
I DRIVE: a 2007 Kia Sorento and I love it. I just need more room.
I DREAM: very rarely, as I do not sleep.
I KISS: Cory and the kids a million times a day.
I HUG: just about everyone at least once.
I HAVE: a life that some people will only dream of.
I REMEMBER: very little these days. I have to write everything down. I blame it on Reese taking all my brain cells.
I DONT: know if we'll ever get a house
I BELIEVE: God will take care of my family.
I OWE: my strength to my past and the fact that I have such a GREAT support group.
I KNOW: what will be, will be. I just have a hard time letting go.
I HATE: paying for other people's mistakes and past.

Thursday 13

Today's Thursday 13 is dedicated to what I should be doing this weekend! Notice I said, "should", not will be doing. I hope to get as much done as possible!!
1. Unpacking from our trip to SC. I'm a slacker when it comes to packing/unpacking. I've GOT to get this done so I can give our neighbors their suitcases back.
2. Help Cory clean out our garage. Its not big enough to park in, so we've used it as a storage place. Now we are turning it into a "play room" for the girls toys.
3. Move the girls toys to the garage.
4. Clean the old play room - we're getting a roommate.
5. Go through the girls clothes and get rid of the stuff they can't/don't wear.
6. Go through the girls toys and get rid of the stuff they don't play with - can you tell I'm down-sizing for when we move?!
7. Wait on pins and needles to hear from the mortgage guy on whether we've been approved or not.
8. Pray that the house we are in love with does not get a contract on it this weekend.
9. Clean the house.
10. Do our weekly dinner night on Sunday - I've got to figure out what to cook.
11. Clean out my car - its gotten a little out of hand.
12. Find a "home" for all of Cory's new gear. He got all new stuff to take to A-Stan and I"VE got to find somewhere to put it so it doesn't get lost/ruined. We have approximately $50,000 worth of STUFF just sitting in our laundry room.
13. REST!! I'm still nursing my back/shoulder. I think it may be getting worse - or maybe its just hurting in a different place. Either way, I'm still in pain and should be taking it easy (there's that word again).

I hope you are having a good week. Its almost over!!! I'm working on a BIG post for my 100th post. So be sure to check back.

Pains, sprains and auto-mobiles

This week has been mundane so far. I hurt my shoulder sometime last week and Cory and I have been trying to "nurse" it. We both HATE to go to ANY MD, so we always try to fix things ourselves. Well, it wasn't getting any better and yesterday I woke up and couldn't move my left arm. Of course I was freaking out. I went to the MD yesterday and after what had to be the shortest doctors visit in history (I was in and out in like 20 min, no lie), I was diagnosed with a Sprained Trapezius muscle. For those of you who may not be so savy on med terms, its the muscle that runs along your back, above your scapula. I think its more of a "strain" than a "sprain", but who am I to second guess a doctor (I won't go into the differences between the two). So she gave me some drugs and told me not lift anything over 10 lbs (Reese weighs 15lbs). I'm feeling a little better today, but not much. Anyway. We didn't get the loan we initially wanted for the house, but we are exploring other options. I was devastated yesterday to hear the news, because I want that house SO bad, but I've come to terms that if God wants us to have the house, we'll get it. That's part of the "letting go" I spoke of earlier. So keep praying, I don't know what God has in store for us in the future.
Reese had two good nights (he slept for like 4 hours at a time), but last night was rough. I've discovered that he LOVES the mobile on his crib. He'll sit and watch the bears turn and just smile and coo. The catch - I have to sit and spin it the whole time. We didn't get the motorized mobile with the bed we bought!!! Just my luck~
Anyway. The girls are good - ready for school to be over with. We're about to turn our garage into the "play room" because one of Cory's "joes" is moving in with us. On a side note, why is it that I have a ROOM FULL of toys and 2 girls that always complain of being bored?
Cory is doing well - he broke down just the other night when we were talking about the deployment. He's really nervous and not looking forward to missing so much of Reese's life. Please keep him in your prayers - his burden gets heavier everyday.
So that's it. Our life is pretty boring right now. Until we figure out what to do about a house, we're just hanging in the balance. I know its all in God's hands, but I would love to be able to see the future - I wouldn't stress so much, I'm sure.
I hope you all are having a great week. Happy Hump day!!