I've got a heavy heart tonight. There are several reasons why, I'm choosing not to go into them at this time. I don't know where this blog is going, so if you get lost and wanna leave, I don't blame you. For those faithful that stick with me, I appreciate it. Either way, please just pray for me as I'm "dealing".
I'll be the first to admit that I have always taken the unconvientional route of doing things in my life. I dated several people who could be labeled as "unhealthy", at best, in high school and even into college and after. I've almost always had very poor taste in men (present company excluded, honey). Some would blame their past on poor relationships with parents for their mistakes, but that's just not me. I've always taken full responsibilty for my actions. Reality is, I had a pretty good childhood. Yes, my parents divorced, but lets be honest - I don't remember my mom and dad living together. Those years for me are a hodge-podge of moments that just kind of run together. My earliest memories are of sleeping in my dad's t-shirt and watching Cops at his trailer and eating Denton Cinnamon gum. It wasn't until I was probably in late elementary school (and maybe even early middle school) that I realized that having divorced parents wasn't the norm. My mom remarried and so did my dad. I think as I went through high school, I began to notice that my relationship was a bit strained with my "real" dad. But it wasn't until I had the girls that I noticed just how "strained" it really was. (I'm not blaming the girls by any means, I'm just saying they shed some light on the subject). Again, I'm not blaming my past on this relationship. This week my heart was broken - as Annie stated in an earlier blog, my Grandfather passed away. This is not what upset me as I haven't seen my Grandparents in close to a decade, maybe more. What broke my heart is that I had to hear about it from my brother. My dad didn't call me until after I had spoken with Brian. I've always secretly longed to have the type of relationship that Brian and my dad have. Maybe its my fault; maybe I haven't tried to make it that way. I don't know. All I know is that we have a very "platonic" almost business like relationship. And I have to wonder why?!?!
Now back to the topic at hand - each person I have been close to have "scarred" my life. Some good, some bad. I realize that I didn't wait til I got married to have intercourse or have children. And I'm not gonna sit here and try to say that the girls were a "one time" slip up. They weren't, they were just the one that caught up to me. I'm not gonna go into detail about the relationship (or lack there of) with their "father"(I use that term VERY loosely) - the fact is that I was only lucky that my lifestyle had not caught up to me before then. I was diagnosed as "bipolar" at the young age of 12 and placed on medication. This is a stigma that I have worn secretly until now. I am proud to say that I have not been on medication for over a year now and am doing VERY well. I believe this was a diagnosis placed on me too early. The medication I was placed on caused me to be very deceitful to those around me and I'm sad to say that it ruined quite a few relationships. And it caused much strife in my family - and caused much embarrassment, I'm sure. For that, I am truly sorry. I think I was so caught up in "trying to find love" that I was willing to do and give almost anything. Now let me take a step back and say that I came from a VERY loving home, it was something inside of me that was missing. This "search" led me down some very rocky roads - but roads I'm proud to say I went down and survived.
I say all that to relay this - I realize that I have TRUCK loads of baggage and I have unfortunately caused some unneeded baggage for those who love me the most. But it is my hope and prayer that as those around me look back at the "shameful" past that I fully claim as MINE, they will see that I am NOT ashamed; no, I am proud: proud of where I've been, proud of where I am and proud of where I'm going. No, I do not live a convientional life - not even after all the mess I've been through. I live a life with sin (maybe more than some others) - but that does not make anyone better than me. I should not be judged by man, that privilege belongs only to God. And for those of you in my life that I have added baggage to, I apologize; but more importantly - THANK YOU for your love and support! I am like an old suitcase: my exterior is tough like leather, my interior is satin - with a few rips; I may look horrible to the naked eye, but in my Keeper's eyes, I am perfect; I've been to many places and seen a lot of trials-each making their mark, yet they don't take away my dependibility; I'm tattered and worn, yet sturdy!!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Tattered and worn, yet sturdy
Posted by Medic Mom at 10:52 PM
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4 comments:
I Love you and that is all that matters. What you have around you, Me, The girls, Reese, we will always be here and we will never be fake or judge. Those that do need to sweep under their own doorstep before looking at someone elses'.
I've always got your back.
Got issues with my wife or my kids? Good luck getting through me.
I'll be home for 2 weeks of leave soon and more than happy to tear some grass up with you.
That was a very transparent post. Thanks for your honesty. I think that we all have our own level of baggage. It is part of who we are. The thing is what we do with that baggage. Our purpose on this Earth is to glorify the Lord, and He is so amazing that He is even able to use our mistakes or our hurts and scars for His glory. You really could have such a positive impact on a young girl who might feel the way you did as a teenager/young woman. You never know who the Lord might bring in your path to help. None of us are perfect. We all have different struggles and we all battle sin. It isn't our job to judge one another, but it is our job to pray for one another and hold each other accountable. I know I am thankful to have friends in my life who will tell me when I need to "get it in check" in a way that isn't judgemental.
I am sorry your dad didn't call you. I don't have an answer for you, and I am sorry it hurts you. I know he does love you. I think the reason it may be easier for Brian is because your brother has the amazing capability to talk to ANYONE on ANY LEVEL about ANYTHING. I can always tell when he is talking to your dad because his accent gets stronger, yet on Friday, he drove the VP of his company to the airport and was able to fit in with him as well. This is something I am not so great at. I will be praying that things will at least be more comfortable in your relationship with your dad.
Brian and I are going to offer to pay to fly your grandmother down sometime to stay with us. Maybe you and the girls and Reese can come stay some too.
Anyway, I am sorry AGAIN for rambling. I hope this makes sense. I always find it hard to say exactly what I mean in these comments.
Christan, I am praying for you as you deal with the trials that you are going through & the ones that you are facing in the months ahead. I'm proud to call you my friend, and I hope that once you are home for good we can spend more time together.
Let me start by Identifying myself. I'm Jessi's and Josh's dad. I check out your blog 2 or 3 times a month by going through Jessi's.
I read this post yesterday and thought about it several times during the rest of the day and even woke up sometime in the night with it on my mind. Far be it from me to give advise or offer words of wisdom. You have a whole network of friends for that. But,,, being an older, though not so much wiser, person from a generation ahead of you, looking back at a generation behind me. Let me say that I am proud of you and admire you for who you have become.
Some people choose to travel life's journey on the asphalt highway. Long, smoothe and straight. Kind of like I-20 through Texas, no big hills and curves that are long arcs as opposed to the hairpin variaty. Some choose the mountain roads, made of dirt, that are full of potholes so deep you could loose a volkswagon and curves that are so sharp that you can see your own taillights. The point is that it doesn't matter which road you choose because they can both get you to the same destination. What does matter is how you navigate the road you're on to get to your final destination. I think you've done well.
Keep on navigating.
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